I never really knew why, but we all called my grandmother ( Mother's Mother) BIG MAMA? As I said previously, Mother was born when Big Mama was 16 and besides being a young woman she was also very attractive and had excellent taste in clothes.
I always remember Big Mama (maybe it was a Southern thing?) beautifully dressed and holding a cigarette and a cocktail when relaxing. I was always trying to cater to her because, I always knew I was "second" to my brother and wanted her to pay equal attention and show me favors also. BUT, it did not really happen and besides, I never became or saw myself as a VICTIM due to this situation.
As I said earlier, I created my own special world. And this is why I probably did not realize at the time, but Big Mama was giving me a great gift in my life!
There was a big tornado in our town once and Big Mama was shopping a great distance from home. My brother and I were alone. Big Mama called on the phone from a department store to ask what was happening at home? Where was my brother? I simply and calmly said, ALL IS WELL HERE. HE IS HIDING UNDER THE YOUR BED, HE IS TERRIFIED! She told us to stay inside and be calm until she got home. I said goodbye and ran outside into the street singing and laughing happily. The streets were empty except for huge winds blowing through the area. I could literally see the huge cone shaped tornado in the distance and it made me even more excited and happy. I jumped up and down and danced and sang and soon ran back into the house to tease my brother. I peeped under the bed and yelled, IT'S COMING FOR YOU NOW! He was crying and very scared. I said, OH, BE BRAVE, COME OUT OF THERE, THIS IS ALL SO EXCITING!!! (He remained until Big Mama arrived home sometime later when it was over and had died down).
Big Mama asked me what I had been doing? I told her and she laughed and said, OH LORD HAVE MERCY! And then she laughed.
I remember when I was told to be "in charge" of things when she would go to her special night card playing events at her girlfriends houses. She also would tell me to go to the big market downtown with my wagon and my dog to shop for various things with a list she would give me. I was always the one to be told to make the long trip. (Thinking back, it was exciting. All the way there and back, going through different neighborhoods, I would pretend each one was a different "foreign" country.) When she became ill for a period of time. She was in bed for quite some time and her bedroom opened into the kitchen. She would from her bed instruct me how to prepare meals. (SHE WAS ONE OF THE GREATEST COOKS I HAVE EVER KNOWN!) She would point and tell me how to do all sorts of cooking, because she had always made sure that we all had very elaborate and full meals and desserts. I always ran behind her when she went to get the eggs the chickens had laid to bring inside. I stood close, next to her when she would kill a chicken to use for meals sometimes. It was both scary and exciting to see how it was done.
I remember when her boyfriend, who was a Trucker, came with his son, who went to the same school as my brother and I, to take us on an exciting ride in the big truck. BUT, I quickly discovered that I was not going to be able to go, because there was no room for me. Only the 3 or them could go for the ride. I was told to stay behind. I was broken hearted. (Again, my brother was "favored" by them also). I walked slowly up to the front porch where Big Mama was standing watching. Tears were beginning to swell up in my eyes. I heard my Grandmother say very quickly to me, DO NOT CRY. BE BRAVE. BE INDEPENDENT. BE STRONG, DON'T CRY! (My tears stopped quickly). I ran inside the house and pulled out my Comic Books and began to read them all. I never thought about it again.
I remember very well the huge, deserted horse
stable next to where we lived. It was made of hundreds of bricks. It was about 4 stories high. It was old and decrepit and falling apart somewhat. For fun, we kids would play inside of it and sometimes throw bricks at the walls and make holes. It was fun!
Big Mama had often warned us about playing Cowboy and Indians in the stable. She repeatedly told us that it was dangerous. But, just like children we would sneak in there and play all the time.
One afternoon, coming home from school, the stable had disappeared? It was gone??? Soon, I discovered, the entire stable collapsed, hundreds of bricks, to the ground while we were at school.
When I questioned Big Mama, she said, I WARNED YOU. I HOPE THIS IS A LESSON FOR YOU.
I always loved to sit on the porch with Steve, the guy that lived next door to us with his Father. Most of the kids would not play much with him...but me, I loved joking and talking to him for hours. Soon his Father would tell him he had to come inside. I was always disappointed when he left. Shortly, I would hear the music being played on the violin by his Father drifting outside the window. Steve was the "biggest boy" in the world to me. Sometimes he looked like a man? But he definitely sounded like a boy. I remember asking Big Mama the question, why did Steve have to go inside so early all the time. She would say, BECAUSE HE HAS TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS FATHER NOW.
Many, many years later as an adult I once mentioned Steve to my brother. I said to my brother, I REMEMBER STEVE ALWAYS HAD TO STAY ON THE PORCH AND NEVER PLAYED WITH ANY OF US? My brother looked at me with surprise and said, STEVE WAS RETARDED. DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT??? (Nope, I never really realized....and for the first time in all my life, it all made sense, after all of those years gone by!)
During this time as a small boy, I experienced numerous OBES and I was terrified. I became a very nervous child. Even more so than I had already been deep inside. When I told my brother I was scared of the horrible nightmares, he would laugh and tell me I was a Sissy. When I told Big Mama, she told me to be BRAVE. Be good and be strong, nothing will get you.
I never mentioned them to anyone after she told me that..... I kept them all to myself. My secret. I did not understand any of them at that time. I did know one thing. THESE WERE UNLIKE ANY DREAMS I HAD EVER HAD AND THEY WERE RECURRING!
I remember every Spring I would become excited about planting the hundreds of seeds I got through the mail, in order to create a garden. It was just so amazing planting seeds and throughout the Summer various vegetables could be gathered by Big Mama to prepare our meals. The variety of flowers I planted were also quite extraordinary! I remember her saying to me, YOU CANNOT EXPECT YOUR GARDEN TO GROW WITH ONLY THAT SOIL. I was confused? I told her that they would grow no matter what kind of soil was in the earth. She did not contest me. I simply came home from school one day and a huge truck was pulling away from the yard after having dumped a tremendous amount of the richest and blackest soil I had ever seen! Big Mama opened the screen door and yelled, YOU CAN START PLANTING NOW!
She of course was right. The vegetables and flowers were amazing always. My brother had a terrible temper. Whenever he and I got into an argument, he would immediately run to my garden and stomp down all of the seedlings and break my heart.
BUT, for some reason they all seemed to survive and yield beautiful plants. I knew Big Mama was watching his hateful ways at a distance from inside the house and she was quiet. Now I know why she was quiet and watching without interference. She silently watched as I would "bravely" go through all of the garden and caress and gently speak and attempt to nourish my garden"s wounds created by my brother. (She was watching me become strong as a survivor rather than a VICTIM.
One morning by surprise, I saw an incredible sight hidden in my garden. A Watermelon!!! Wow! This was amazing. I had not planted a Watermelon, but due to the amounts that were eaten, probably some seeds accidentally got thrown there one day. It was almost the size of a basketball and I was excited. My Grandmother came walking over to me and said, WE WILL HAVE TO REMOVE THAT. WE MUST CUT THAT WATERMELON OUT OF THE GARDEN IMMEDIATELY. I yelled loud and clear, NO! She repeated herself to me and then looked me in the eye and said, IF YOU DO NOT TAKE THAT WATERMELON OUT OF YOUR GARDEN, ITS' VINES AND ROOTS WILL DESTROY EVERYTHING IN YOUR GARDEN. I continued to protest. NO, IT'S TOO BEAUTIFUL. She silently walked away.
The next day when I came home from school the watermelon was gone? I ran to Big Mama and yelled, my watermelon is gone? What happened to it??? She kept a straight face and softly said, I DON'T KNOW? MAYBE SOMEONE STOLE IT? I released the thought from my mind and ran outside to take care of my garden.
Today, I know very well she had it removed, because, SHE LOVED ME.
Big Mama continued to treat my brother like a Prince throughout her life on this earth. I remained "second". BUT.....instead of becoming a VICTIM, I continued on with my journey and I never had any ill feelings towards my Grandmother. I do know that I could have come to hate her because I felt always left out or "second" in her eyes. But, there was for some reason, nothing that made me feel this way towards her at the time. But, I always wondered why she treated me this way? Until I "opened my higher awareness" during my adult life. Now I "see" what lessons we learn in ways we have no idea are happening to us. Good lessons! So many of us become VICTIMS whenever we feel that someone is not "the way we want them to be or expect them to be" and we might not realize that it is not an advantageous method of thinking. In order to find out the good part of everything that happens to us during our journey here, we must always, STOP....LOOK....AND LISTEN!
Big Mama was NEVER a VICTIM! She was a strong and independent woman even until the day she crossed-over. At first I did not realize how much I was being taught.
I see people around me now, all the time, whining and crying over being abused by those around them.....when in reality, the one that is abusing them the most is, THEMSELVES! So many permit their entire lives to fall apart due to them putting the blame on others. The drama and devastation of broken relationships and marriages being the end of some one's life is absurd. Saying we cannot live without another human being is sad. We did not come here to live our journeys based on the permissions of others around us. We all have missions. We are very powerful entities. It seems that anything positive can be done as a team, when desired. BUT, we cannot bring ourselves to believe that we cannot move forward without the "dependency" of another being. We are all individual spirits with individual goals. Believing that another is necessary for the advancement of our souls becomes a foolish illusion.
This is also a part of "loving ourselves". Look around you and you will see, if you quiet your mind and be still, how miserable others are that have so much self-hatred and dependency on others. Some believe that they cannot survive without the other?
This is false thinking on the part of the weaker person. They do not love themselves and with this comes "hate, anger, and jealousy!" It is not healthy and clear thinking on the part of the weakling. He or She will destroy not only themselves, but possibly the journey of the other person involved.
It is NOT selfish thinking to believe that MYSELF comes first, my journey is first priority. Everything else in one's life is secondary. We are here to learn as much as possible in the short time given us. We should not really waste time making "pit -stops" to deal with another soul's journey while we are moving forward. This will definitely hold us back from rapid advancement. So many divorces and broken relationships are due to conflicts of interest! I believe that it is possible to maintain a partnership, BUT, neither of the individuals should be in conflict with the other's path of travel.
Our lessons and journeys are definitely not the same. Sometimes similar, but never the same. Sometimes we never find out how detrimental conflicts of interests can hold us back until it's too late. Stop and Go Traffic is never good on a car. In addition to causing wear and tear on the car, you usually never get to your destination on time.
In the end, so many of us consider ourselves the VICTIMS due to the fact that we refuse to release these things in our life. We blame it all on the other soul. We say its their fault for "causing" my downfall. We cry and crawl around and repeatedly say, THEY did this to me! I AM A VICTIM! We are not, get over it! I guess some of us should have come to the realization by now, LIFE IS NOT SUPPOSE TO BE EASY........... IF YOU INSIST ON MAKING IT DIFFICULT! AHAHAahahahahah!
More later......
Love and Light!
Marshall
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